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[29 Jan 2009|12:30am] |
So per usual, I write something about how shitty I feel, and then live another day to reread and regret... maybe not regret but definitely double think. I got my car, it is clean and gassed and adorable. My boyfriend is incredible. I get to hang out with friends tomorrow, friday, and on saturday I see Brian again. I work tomorrow morning, thinking I might buy some jeans if I make enough in tips (likely not, but we'll see). Stomach ache and heart burn were just sated with marijuana. Looking at cute vinyl cutouts for my white lady parked outside. I've named her Cookie. Yes, I am fully comfortable enough in my role as an owner to name my car.
Giggles!
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[26 Jan 2009|08:36pm] |
So just some frustrations as of late and then me blabbering on about how I shouldn't be frustrated and my life is great blah blah blah.
First, I bought a car...AMAZING. It really is and I totally understand how much better my life is about to get. It was incredibly affordable (assuming I get another job) and it's super cute and I don't know, it's really great. BUT my uncle is taking FOR FUCKING EVER to fix it. I was promised it last week, then again tomorrow, now I have to wait till thursday. It's fucking discouraging because thursday isn't even a for sure. I know I really shouldn't be complaining but I REALLY FUCKING HATE THE BUS. It is really really really a treacherous experience for me now. Knowing having my own car is just around the corner but that I may have to wait a tentative amount of time for makes me like nervous and anxious. I sound like a complete ingrate, but I can't help feeling this way.
Anyway, things in my relationship with Brian are solid. He is amazing and he told me he loved me and it brought tears to my eyes, and it's so strange. So strange to be in a normal progressive relationship with someone who is sane and doesn't play games and genuinely cares about me. I haven't ever really had that type of nurture from a man before and it feels really good. But on the other hand, I constantly want to see him because he has become my best friend. I took me a really long time to get to this point, a lot of hours and commitment talking and listening and falling in love and getting my heart broken. It is so incredible that we even managed to get where we are because I look at e-mails from three months ago when we first began talking and it seems like we would have met months ago, but he just took so damn long to get through all of it, totally understandably, and now I'm at a point where it feels so comfortable but I still worry he might disappear for a month again. He reassures me he won't and that he knows he made a mistake and I appreciate that but that anxiety is still present, so for now I just have to work on breaking through that and getting to a place where my fears are in no way affecting the decisions I make, because I see them there a little, in the thinnest of strands, but they are still definitely there. I want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him, but I've heard all my life most relationships are one sided, and while the patterns aren't there, I can't help but revert back to my old way of thinking. Anyway, I'm trying my absolute hardest not to sabotage this the way I've sabotaged past relationships, call them what you will. I know he is a good thing and that whether the journey is a couple years, or just a couple months, I will learn from this and be loved and give love and chalk it up to experience in the end.
So today, all sorts of things about seizing your opportunities and deciding on which path you take have com up. I was talking to Brian and he mentioned having goals, setting the bar and climbing to reach it, making important decisions intelligently, things of that nature, and it really got me thinking about what the fuck I want to do with my life. I have always wondered and flip flopped and though my life was a series of false starts, but I don't know, today it really feels like my life is rather a series of ignitors, and that now is the time to pick a wick and light it. I was watching Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Inside the Actors Studio, seems so silly to be a source of inspiration, but it was. He story, her growing up and being into acting and comedy and stage and just her overall character, really reminded me of my own upbringing and the things I was interested in as a child in grade-school even into high-school and college. So today I e-mailed a theatre company in San Pedro I'm interested in auditioning for. I'd also really like to take a few theater classes at Cypress maybe. I don't think I want to pursue acting as a first career, but on the side maybe.
Other than that I am taking time out to smoke a lot of pot, which is still doing good for my nerves and my short attention span. Working on a new look for the spring, just a sort of out with the old type thing, and really trying to better myself, my temper, my mannerisms, my work ethic, and my ego. Less arguing, more reasoning, less tears, more smiles. Peace and Love.
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[17 Jan 2009|11:38pm] |
Brian gave me a poem a few weeks back and I've reread it almost a million times, it's really probably one of my favorites, especially the last two lines, for some reason they really resonate with me. Anyway, here is Love Pirates by Joseph Millar:
I follow with my mouth the small wing of muscle
under your shoulder, lean over your back, breathing
into your hair and thinking of nothing. I want
to lie down with you under the sails of a wooden sloop
and drift away from all of it, our two cars rusting
in the parking lot, our families whining like tame geese
at feeding time, and all the bosses of the earth
cursing the traffic in the morning haze.
They will telephone each other from their sofas
and glass desks, with no idea where we could be,
unable to picture the dark throat
of the saxophone playing upriver, or the fire
we gather between us on this fantail of dusty light,
having stolen a truckload of roses
and thrown them into the sea.
Also, if you are ever looking for something to pass time with, check out the haiku section on Craigslist, really gives me hope that the rest of humanity isn't completely inane.
Here's one I wrote just now for kicks, kind of describing my mood lately:
shit's really low when
no ones got no paper but
noses gotta blow
kthnxbye
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[09 Jan 2009|05:14pm] |
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Number one sign you smoke a lot of weed: You own clothing that has appeared in stoner comedies you claim are your favorite movies, usually consisting of sweats and silly hats and some kind of slipper.
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[03 Jan 2009|11:11pm] |
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Never in a million would I have imagined beginning this year happy, in love, with friends, and satisfied. I may have given up on a lot, but somehow all of the elements of my future have aligned and are now coagulating into a cool bit of existence. Awesome. I will never sacrifice the things I believe in for the things people are supposedly expecting me to eventually grow out or tire of. I know what makes me sane and I'm okay with that. Feeling loved has done great for me in 2009. Let the new year ring, God damn it!
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[14 Nov 2008|02:25am] |
I've been thinking about making a list for a while now, a couple of months. I knew there was a reason I kept putting it off. Firstly, how difficult it might have been (and was) to remember every one of them. Secondly, to see in writing just how large the number was, and to wonder what the fuck I must have been thinking. I am 85% sure I've included everyone, but I'm sure I'll come back to edit this number in the forthcoming weeks, as I slowly remember more and more of them.
49 in seven years. I had to assign numbers to the ones whose names I couldn't remember, and added a few descriptive words next to each entry to be sure I was remembering correctly.
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[29 Oct 2008|09:28pm] |
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I am 21 in 2 days. I will be rolling face to Justice. Excitement can now ensue. Today I had cramps. I called in sick for work and my boss is amazing, but I feel incredibly guilty. No, you don't understand they were really really really really really bad. I was throwing up. But all will be fine, because I am dating someone and I love my job and I will be 21 in 2 days when I will be celebrating at a rave... on ecstasy.
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[16 Oct 2008|12:28am] |
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So, in light of everything I posted previously, I am actually becoming a beautiful young lady. Honestly, I realize it's so easy to get down on yourself. Everyone does it, and I know all of the self-confidence in the world doesn't come over night. But today... fuck... today was such an amazing, beautiful day despite anything that may have made me momentarily unhappy. I finally feel like I'm part of a family at work. I finally feel like I have found a place that will be on my side, and support and guide me and love me like I should be loved. The customers are so incredible and my boss, my boss is such a powerful, intelligent, soulful woman. I could not have asked for a better job and the fact that I came upon it by coincidence, or maybe it was fate really. Riding the bus sitting next to the cutest boy, walking through the neighborhoods in Long Beach to work. Smoking a cigarette in the back looking up at the stars. Working harder than I ever have anywhere and still having fun. I am thankful. Thankful and truly content. And now, I am trying to recall feeling unhappy, or upset, or discouraged today and I can't think of one second of worry or angst. Even walking home from my last bus stop, forty-five minutes of the most incredible music pumping into my brain, smiling as I walk over the freeway. Knowing I have work on Saturday and feeling excited. Feeling excited about walking home again. I just, honestly, genuinely am so satisfied. Men will come and go, they will, and they have and I have to be a strong, courageous girl and realize I am above all of that. Loving myself is something I've forgotten to do as of late and right now, sitting here typing this out I am overcome with immense pride in myself. I can't wait to read this tomorrow and then the next day and the next to remind myself how happy I am right now, how worry-free my life is. No car? So what, I get to meet people on the bus, get really stoned on my way to work. It's wonderful having to schedule myself, time-manage. It's teaching me to be responsible. I love the way I am looking lately, I've been taking such good care of myself. I feel the best I have in a really long time. My energy and attitude is really maturing and working itself out. I turn twenty one in sixteen days, and I haven't allowed myself to be excited yet. Well, here I go! I TURN 21 IN SIXTEEN DAYS AND I AM OVERJOYED AT THE PROSPECT OF BEING INCLUDED, OF GOING TO SOCIAL GATHERINGS AND MEETING PEOPLE I OTHERWISE COULDN'T! Tomorrow is another day, and another opportunity to live my life to the fullest. I hope all of you will do the same.
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[14 Oct 2008|01:45pm] |
I know I'm not supposed to dwell. You're never supposed to dwell, or rehash. But to be held in bed by a strong, older man and to be told not to put all of my cards on the table so quickly, and to realize that at twenty, I've jumped into bed with at least thirty other men is so heartbreaking. I've been playing what I thought was a good game, only to realize I've become THAT girl. The one that sleeps with as many men as she can bag to get attention... not the kind of attention she wants either. Honesty is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, but I can't take it all back, so maybe I should just let things look up. He said, "You're on point. You're cute, intelligent, funny, and you know good music like the back of your hand. You've got it, but you're selling yourself short." This car's been on the lot for so long, I've let them mark the price down to zero. I want to start anew and I think I probably can. But to say, "Okay then, just stop what you're doing and do something different"? It's an uphill climb.
The positives are that I love my job right now and the bus-ride is not so taxing. I look better than I ever have and I'll be twenty-one in 18 days, whatever that means. I'll try things differently with B. We've talked on the phone for almost two months now and if I continue to take things slowly, maybe he'll continue to stick around. Only problem is, older and wiser J. has just opened my eyes to a tidbit about myself I tried never to look at in the mirror, and then proceeded to wrap his arms around me and touch me the way I want to be touched, brush my hair out of my eyes. For that, I think I've developed feelings. To be real with someone, to hear them worry and be genuine. But he said he was too old for me and he is probably right. I should learn to take a chance when it is given to me and let it change my life if it's meant to. Understand things at face value, but realize there is a little more under the surface. No means no. Yes means maybe. I don't know means absolutely not. Drugs, sex, money... those are not the things that fulfill you. Love, openness, truth... those are the things that make the world revolve.
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[03 Oct 2008|12:30am] |
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I have an interview tomorrow for a place I think I'd give an arm to work at and with all that said and done, I feel like the tide is a-shifting and maybe this month will look the fuck up for a change. I am 21 in count it- 29 days y'all! Also, I am going blonde... on Monday.
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[30 Sep 2008|10:48pm] |
Feathers. Black man at a bus stop. Black man on the bus. Old fling. New Fling. Telephone Ring. Marijuana. Menstrual cramp. Sex in a car. Hour long ride. Heave ho. To and From. Two jobs. No money. Telephone masturbator. English major. Tampon. Steamroller. Forgot to shave. Blunt wrap. No condom. Tommy Burgers. Four by four. Hobo. Reggae. Raleigh. Home. T-shirt. Crickets. Dog food. Sleep.
To hell with patience. To hell with pain. Only thing I know is that crispy green sound.
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[26 Sep 2008|10:33pm] |
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Cool, I got another job at a pet store in Anaheim, which sure beats the shit outta selling sex toys and whatnot. I get fifty cents more an hour than what I was getting paid at the "world's best erotic giftshop", so, that's awesome I guess, and it's a helluvalot closer than that other place, which makes my life a little more bearable. I am thinking about leasing a car, but all of this finance mumbo jumbo online I'm trying to familiarize myself with is giving me a headache. I feel like leasing is a good idea because it's a little more affordable, but then the car is only mine for six months? Maybe by then I'll have saved up to buy or something? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I also would LOVE to go out on a nice date. I haven't felt like having sex with anyone in months. Incidentally, I haven't had the opportunity to have sex with anyone in months, but I'll chalk it up to coincidence, OKAY?!
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[24 Sep 2008|05:03pm] |
Cover myself in pen and ink,
Wear my hair out, let it bend to kink,
Poke my head up through a smokey haze,
Maybe it's true I've seen better days, but,
When I woke up this morning I had nothing to lose,
The past's just the past, and the future a rouse,
I'm living for the present, got my feet on tight,
Gonna walk to the corner just to get a bite,
Gonna pull out a drum and spark me a light,
Won't worry 'bout tomorrow till the end of tonight.
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[23 Sep 2008|09:29pm] |
If you take a number and have a seat we'll be right with you. If you're patient and willing, we can definitely help. If you're nice and kind, we'd love to be of service. Don't these people know that it's the crazed lunatic pacing around outside, checking her watch every minute or so that really needs their help? The sane one's are lazing around, sipping tea and marveling at the coupons in the God damn Pennysaver, what great deals can they find next, while I'm in hysterics over having to sit still on a bus for two hours.
If I have to help another middle-aged loser pick out a cock ring, I swear I'll just flip my can. I quit, next saturday is my last day. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING A HUMAN BEING ANYMORE.
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[21 Sep 2008|02:56pm] |
I liken him to rotting fruit . Smack your tongue around the curve of your lips, peeling. There is no such thing as a horizontal ascension.
I know you never meant to degrade me, you never cared enough to consider me that way.
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[18 Sep 2008|08:45pm] |
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I used to be so cool, so collected and cultured, but now all of that has faded into synthetic drugs and anal plugs and blonde women with big tits. I never have enough money anymore; my spending priorities have shifted over to food and cigarettes. I don't even look interesting smoking them, just the same back and forth, drag, blow. No intimate moments with green as of late either... sad. I really find my job so utterly disappointing and dismal. LET ME GET OUT OF HERE. The person I am falling in love with has never even looked me in the eyes. I used to think that was thrilling, now I'm just bored. My friends are in love and my enemies are in love and my parents are in love, but I am not in love, no. I am only in que. I still think this place is filthy. There is dirt on the walls and under my fingernails and in my ears. LET ME OUT OF HERE!
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[02 Jun 2008|05:34pm] |
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music |
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Toots and the Maytals |
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[21 Jan 2007|05:35pm] |
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If there was ever a time in my life I felt like food was my only friend, it was the year I turned thirteen and began high school as a socially unapprised fat girl who skipped going to first period, because she knew she couldn’t squeeze her ass into a damn drop leaf desk. The words “Lunch Break” were synonymous with freedom, happiness, comfort, and I waited to see the brown paper sack at the end of the tunnel each day around eleven forty-five. Food was a good friend, a loyal friend; it never passed judgment, never tried to force me to be intimate with it, (although one summer, late at night, I was caught licking a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough with the sheets pulled over my head). Food never left my side; it stuck around during the worst of times, and was always there to celebrate with me. And I never gave up on food either. I was faithful, dependable, devoted. Even now, after high school has come and gone, and so has all that weight, I’m still the food-fan I ever was. So, it’s only fitting I write this love letter, to the most amazing companion I’ve the honor of knowing; Here’s to you honey, to my dinner, with love…
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[20 Mar 2006|11:13pm] |
Man that's a heavy bag you're carrying man;
What's in that bag that bags down the beggar's bagging?
I can jive to a slippery slip-slop sleding down two hills;
one for rock and one for rollin'.
It's like CLOSH...closer than I anticipated I guess.
Hey cat, corner that coin-catching caller callin' kittens to meow all night.
YOUR kittens, kid, YOURS.
You just going to let him steal? You just going to let him borrow?
He won't ever return around here with your Kittens coolie, he won't bring home the kittens or the bacon.
Cheddar's extra sharp these days, but at the rate you and he are going, you won't ever taste it.
Man that's an extra heavy bag with a side of heft.
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